Insatiable

For as long as I can remember I've had an insatiable nature. I'm left wanting more, always more.
I want the roller coaster to go faster, last longer.
I want the joke to be funnier.  
I really want to have more chocolate cake.

I am never satisfied.
Sometimes this character trait is great, perhaps a blessing, or a catalyst for growth and learning. 
I want more of God. Because if there is more of Him that I can know, I want it. I want to go deep and find what lies there. I want to know Christ and him crucified. I want to absorb his signs and wonders, adopt his desire to be in prayerful solitude, kneel to his Lordship, and be a shadow to his servant nature. I want to discover the ways of the Holy Spirit, become more perceptive to the workings of the helper.  I want to know the Father, his kindness and mercy. I want to know his story better than I know the adventures of Harry Potter, or whatever non-eternal thing I find to fill my time.

I want to travel, see the world. I want to know what is out there. I want to taste it and feel it. Meet people from other places, learn from them, love Jesus with them. 

I want to spend more time with friends and family. I find myself never wanting to leave the party early in case I miss out on an adventure, or story, or spectacular moment that could, and will, happen the second the door closes behind me.  I don't want to miss it.

This life is rich and full, filled with great potential and supreme hope.  I believe it. I've lived it.

Insatiable. There are many times this character trait of mine proves to be more of a hindrance than a help.

I am never satisfied. This applies to so many things. Currently, I place my life under the microscope. I feel as though I am in a state of attrition. I am disstatisfied with where I am. In my career, or lack there of. In my search for a job. In the limited nature of jobs that are available. In my inability to speak Spanish. In my lack of 5+ years of experience in the field. In my current living situation. In my relationship with God... I would continue but I fear I've both adequately displayed my dissatifaction with my current state... and have complained quite enough.

My intent is not to complain or pity myself, or cause others to pity me. I am aware that there are many things for which I am grateful for within this list. Things that are purely God given and voraciously, thankfully received.        

I'm not certain of my intent. Perhaps it is to make known, more to myself than to anyone else, that I am in a valley. One that I believed would present itself. One that I am less prepared for than I previously thought. I find myself regretting getting a masters degree. Regretting that I did not think more soundly about the subject matter of said degree. Regretting that I did not project what the job market would look like. Yes, this last one is quite out of my control. But I still regret it. Never satisfied.

And here's the kicker: my home page is set to a Reformed blog called Daily Confession. Each day it posts a devotion of sorts with selections from various articles of confession and catechisms. I'm pretty holy, I know. Often I skip right over the daily confession and go straight to a design site or facebook. But today I stuck around long enough to read Questions 79 - 81 of the Shorter Catechism. They were as follows:

Shorter Catechism, week 40

Q. 79. Which is the tenth commandment?
A. The tenth commandment is, Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor’s.^[168]
Q. 80. What is required in the tenth commandment?
A. The tenth commandment requireth full contentment with our own condition,^[169] with a right and charitable frame of spirit toward our neighbor, and all that is his.^[170]
Q. 81. What is forbidden in the tenth commandment?
A. The tenth commandment forbiddeth all discontentment with our own estate,^[171] envying or grieving at the good of our neighbor, and all inordinate motions and affections to anything that is his.^[172]

My favorite part has got to be not coveting thy neighbor's ass. 
But all joking aside, I needed to hear this. I need to hear this.
I am commanded to be content with my own estate.
This contentment should flow from my heart and into my actions.
I don't want to twist the scripture in any way but I believe I am
covetous of what I believe I should have at this point in my life.
I covet my desired self.

Am I my own neighbor? 

Whatever I am, I am not content. I must practice becoming so.
I must practice being satisfied, at least in the ways I am called to be.
And that is really hard.
But more than my own contentment, I desire to honor and obey God.
And more often than not, that means laying down my will for his.


May it be so. May you glean from my depravity.